(a blog for) People Who Need People

Hey tumblr folk,

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. And I always manage to say that same exact statement every time I go to post on my blog. But in any case. It’s finally November. Pretty soon, our year will be coming to an end. 2012 has changed my life in so many ways. With all of these changes, I’ve been forced to look into my past and analyze the mistakes and losses over the course of my life. Who I really am and where I come from. Who was there beside me and who disappeared over night. I lost two best friends this year. I guess it was because we couldn’t understand how low and wide of a valley there was between us. Worlds apart. Each of us on opposite mountain peaks, staring at each other in the distance, trying to make out a face from the fog. I sometimes still reflect on it. How quickly relationships change. All of us involved know it will never be the same. And yet, we love each other forever and always, and will be there in the darkest of times if need be. But I miss my friends. So deeply… I wish they hadn’t done what they did…

In turn, I met someone who changed my life. A man who showed me unconditional love. Who not only adored the best parts about myself but simultaneously honored my insecurities and vices. I’ve never met such a beautiful human being before. I’ve never held such a pure heart in my hands, and have never had such an incredible person embrace my heart so easily. Everything I am not, he is. And everything I am, he has always longed for. It’s uncanny how we equally fit each other, like a Shel Silverstein story. Issues I’ve always had haven’t just disappeared because I’ve fallen in love but the difference is that now I feel I can be honest about them and not be afraid anymore. What’s love anyways, but feeling the courage to be everything you’ve always been and everything you want to be?

I have a friend who’s a little over 10 yrs older than I am and we are like a replica of one another. And she is in the middle of losing the love of her life, her childhood sweetheart from their early teen years. This past Sunday I had a dream where then I woke up crying and I called my boyfriend immediately. I told him what happened and I related it to my friend. I thought out loud, “they belong together. How could they find another person to ever love so deeply? So naturally and intrinsically?” I thought about it more and I came to the conclusion that a soulmate must be that very thing. Not just a person you love - but the one person who was the best concept of a man/woman you could ever draw up. Someone who elevated you, who made you smile in the darkest areas of your heart, from the inside out. Someone who would break when you broke. Someone who was so particularly tailored to your personality that only God could have made them specifically for you, and you for them. Someone who is a collection of every word that does not exist, every emotion we’ve never been able to give a name. Something inexplicable that science and logic cannot fathom. The person who traces the lines in your hearts “fingerprint.” And once that person is lost, the concept of a soulmate is never again attainable. I sat and sunk into that notion and how deeply sorrowful that must be - to know that you’ve lost life’s singular gift and you must move on. For the first time, I felt a deep empathy for my friend. No longer sympathy based on my own terrible heartbreak story of the past and my own experience but rather, genuine empathy based on the idea that she is losing the love of her entire life as she might know it. And I felt at that moment that love is a very serious matter.

In these two contexts - fear of losing those you love is natural. Losing those you love is perplexing. Losing your soulmate could be the highest cost of loving. 

In other news, I found a band to play with and I’m saving for my synth. laturz.